The last few weeks things have slowed on the blog, I am sure many of my long time followers have noticed. I usually am a posting maniac during the week.
Things slowed in the Summer as I was spending time with my kiddos, being distracted and keeping them busy. Come August, we got the kids back in school and then right after that I found out that I was pregnant. Unlike my other pregnancies, I was UNBELIEVABLY tired and nauseous. So again, my motivation was dragging here on the blog. Thank goodness for my awesome Virtual Assistant Christina as there were days that I just wasn’t getting anything done at all. We were waiting until the end of September to tell everyone. We were going to announce it on my Birthday, Sept 23.
Come Tuesday, Sept 3 I started bleeding. Not a lot but it concerned me as I had never had bleeding with my previous pregnancies. My midwife said that it could just be implantation bleeding and to just keep an eye on it. By Friday it wasn’t increasing but it was continuing and I wanted answers so went into the OB Triage to find out what the deal was.
I was thinking I was about 8 weeks pregnant at that point.
Ultrasound was showing 5w6d. And was showing no heartbeat. An Ultrasound with no Heartbeat. Even though it was so little, seeing that ultrasound and not seeing a heartbeat was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced emotionally.
Three different doctors. None were able to locate a heartbeat. Unfortunately they would still not say affirmatively one way or another as at that point it is possible that they cannot locate the heartbeat. They drew blood to measure my HCG levels and said come back in 2 days for another draw.
Blood draw was almost identical two days later. Again ultrasound showed no heartbeat but as it was “only two days later” they still wouldn’t confirm anything one way or another.
Friday, Sept 13, I returned for another check and this time the Ultrasound showed 6w5d. But still no heartbeat. I knew in my heart that the baby didn’t make it but of course was keeping my hopes up that there would be some other explanation. As it was “bigger” the Dr was still not confirming for me and basically said to wait it out a little longer.
In some ways I am grateful for the waiting period as I was able to prepare myself emotionally for the loss but in others it was so emotionally draining.
Monday, Sept 16, I did officially miscarry.
I am healthy and physically I am fine now. Emotionally I am fighting internally — I do know that miscarrying is a common thing, I know that it means that the baby wasn’t healthy. But I can’t help but blame myself, did I not eat right? Did I do something wrong? Should I have been doing something differently? What is the “appropriate” emotional response? I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no “appropriate” response. Everyone deals with these things differently. I don’t normally post things so personal on my blog but I wanted to share so that you guys can understand why things have slowed a bit over the last few weeks.
I am trying hard to get back to the “norm” and will over the next few weeks for the holidays. 🙂 Thank you for understanding. Thank you to my loyal followers for sticking through everything with me.